A few weeks ago I started waking up in the middle of the night feeling a bit panicky. It was due to some tightness in my throat [causing me to want to swallow repeatedly] and my tongue sticking to the top of my mouth. It was making think I might suffocate. I knew it was nothing serious [I wasn’t going to suffocate], but still, it was really starting to play on my mind… freak me out! I think it was triggered by the medical marijuana I was taking, because I was also feeling a lot of emotional upheaval during the day. I was getting to the point where I was scared to go to bed. I was doing everything I could to make the feeling go away, but it wasn’t working!
My journey with this neurological condition brought me an insight this week which might just have taken me to the pinnacle of my odyssey … an understanding and actualization of self love!
In order for this to make sense, let me give you some background.
In my last post, I wrote about the severe symptoms I experienced after attending my aunt’s celebration of life ceremony. For three days after the ceremony, my balance was way off and I experienced more intense freezing. In trying to understand what was going on, I realized that I had triggered unresolved grief and guilt, among other emotions. To put it in Eckhart Tolle’s terms, I had triggered the ‘pain body.’ It was very intense and I was quite concerned for my well being. I was also concerned about another celebration of life that I was planning to attend this past weekend for longtime family friend, a man I had called Uncle Paul all my life.
Someone asked me recently what specific things I have found helpful on my journey with a neurological disorder, both in terms of minimizing the symptoms I experience and eventually leading to my recovery. This is what I listed:
The biggest single challenge I’ve faced on my journey to recover my health is overcoming the hidden [unconscious] detrimental beliefs, which when triggered, put me in a state of fear that leaves me experiencing extremely intense symptoms. It has been happening almost on a daily basis.
Based on repeated experience, I’ve decided, actually, more like conclusively concluded, that the best way to combat fear is to live in the present moment … also called living in conscious presence. Actually, let me rephrase this proclamation slightly. I don’t really like the word “combat.” It implies conflict. Resistance. Let’s change it to “dissolve” fear. The reason for this conclusion, is that, again based on my experience, whenever I’m engaged in thought, I invariably end up in a thought that puts me in a state of stress or fear, which in turn causes my symptoms to intensify. The only comforting thing about this is that happens to everyone. Spiritual catalyst, Teal Swan, refers to it as ego coming in the back door. This morning, I experienced this phenomenon firsthand.
In the past month, my journey with this neurological condition [parkinson’s] has led me to the door of what I believe is my ultimate destination … Self love! Actually, I’m not quite sure how to characterize this experience. I don’t know if I am intended to discover self love, enact my innate self love or simply actualize self love. Perhaps this uncertainty is moot. The point is, I believe, the reason I developed a very debilitating neurological condition is because I lack self love, and perhaps more to the point, because I am experiencing self loathing. This also led me to the conclusion that our collective journey is all about discovering self love. It is about connecting with our true spiritual ” loving” nature and living in oneness with Spirit [God].