Highways jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
– Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run
I’m presently reading Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography, Born to Run. It is an interesting read, filled with fascinating stories and lots of adjectives… many knee slapping, foot stomping, head scratching, eye popping, mind blowing, gut wrenching descriptions of Bruce’s personal and professional life. He tells it all and bares his soul… the good, the bad and the ugly… including his lifelong challenge with depression and his difficult relationship with his father [who interestingly enough, experienced parkinson’s.]
A few weeks ago I started waking up in the middle of the night feeling a bit panicky. It was due to some tightness in my throat [causing me to want to swallow repeatedly] and my tongue sticking to the top of my mouth. It was making think I might suffocate. I knew it was nothing serious [I wasn’t going to suffocate], but still, it was really starting to play on my mind… freak me out! I think it was triggered by the medical marijuana I was taking, because I was also feeling a lot of emotional upheaval during the day. I was getting to the point where I was scared to go to bed. I was doing everything I could to make the feeling go away, but it wasn’t working!
It seems that I have come into this life to immerse myself in fear. To know it intimately. And I suspect, at some point, to overcome it in order to enact my innate self-love and recover my health. My childhood years were characterized by a culture of fear. As I wrote in an earlier blog, I was scared all the time. What scared me most, was that people would find out just how scared I was, because I put on a brave front.
Although this is all behind me now and I understand the purpose of my experience, I would love to have had the conversation below with my father while I was growing up. This dialogue is meant to be a script to help me retrain my mind and remap my brain in order to let go of fear. I hope you find it helpful and I urge you to keep reading it everyday, as I will be. I expect that I will be updating it as I receive new ideas. I wish you fearlessness and good health!
This morning I realized I have been feeling a lot of apprehension about living here on Manitoulin Island this winter. It’s the same sort of angst I was feeling about moving here in the first place and it seems to have crept up on me unwittingly. Then I was concerned about moving 6 hours away from my family, living in isolation on a lake 15 minutes from town, by myself for two weeks of the month. So far, it has been great!
Recovering from this neurological condition [parkinson’s]] is mostly about restoring body chemistry. It’s about ‘convincing’ the neurotransmitters that are produced in our brains [mostly dopamine and serotonin] and the hormones that are produced in our endocrine system [mostly adrenaline and cortisol] to return to normal levels. We want more dopamine and serotonin and less adrenaline and cortisol. Which the body wants as well by the way. It wants to be in homeostasis.