To quote a well-used cliche, “I’m not gonna lie to you,” yesterday was a challenging day! I’m not quite sure how to describe it except to say, I was a mess … and I’m not much better today! My voice was very raspy [almost inaudible at times] making it very difficult for me to use speech recognition. My entire body was very tense. There was considerably more trembling in my hands and much more loss of balance and freezing. I was also feeling very irritable and my patience was really put to the test!
Highways jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
– Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run
I’m presently reading Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography, Born to Run. It is an interesting read, filled with fascinating stories and lots of adjectives… many knee slapping, foot stomping, head scratching, eye popping, mind blowing, gut wrenching descriptions of Bruce’s personal and professional life. He tells it all and bares his soul… the good, the bad and the ugly… including his lifelong challenge with depression and his difficult relationship with his father [who interestingly enough, experienced parkinson’s.]
A few weeks ago I started waking up in the middle of the night feeling a bit panicky. It was due to some tightness in my throat [causing me to want to swallow repeatedly] and my tongue sticking to the top of my mouth. It was making think I might suffocate. I knew it was nothing serious [I wasn’t going to suffocate], but still, it was really starting to play on my mind… freak me out! I think it was triggered by the medical marijuana I was taking, because I was also feeling a lot of emotional upheaval during the day. I was getting to the point where I was scared to go to bed. I was doing everything I could to make the feeling go away, but it wasn’t working!
Time will tell, but it appears that Donald Trump is here to serve a divine purpose. He is here to be the catalyst that will polarize humanity in order to bring about change on the planet.
In his book, Lucky Man, Michael J Fox calls himself a lucky man! He credits experiencing a health condition with making him a better person! I feel the same way!
My journey with this neurological condition brought me an insight this week which might just have taken me to the pinnacle of my odyssey … an understanding and actualization of self love!
In order for this to make sense, let me give you some background.
I woke up this morning feeling better than I have felt in a long time. The last week has been particularly challenging mainly due to the fear I have been feeling!
It seems that I have come into this life to immerse myself in fear. To know it intimately. And I suspect, at some point, to overcome it in order to enact my innate self-love and recover my health. My childhood years were characterized by a culture of fear. As I wrote in an earlier blog, I was scared all the time. What scared me most, was that people would find out just how scared I was, because I put on a brave front.
Although this is all behind me now and I understand the purpose of my experience, I would love to have had the conversation below with my father while I was growing up. This dialogue is meant to be a script to help me retrain my mind and remap my brain in order to let go of fear. I hope you find it helpful and I urge you to keep reading it everyday, as I will be. I expect that I will be updating it as I receive new ideas. I wish you fearlessness and good health!