A few weeks ago I started waking up in the middle of the night feeling a bit panicky. It was due to some tightness in my throat [causing me to want to swallow repeatedly] and my tongue sticking to the top of my mouth. It was making think I might suffocate. I knew it was nothing serious [I wasn’t going to suffocate], but still, it was really starting to play on my mind… freak me out! I think it was triggered by the medical marijuana I was taking, because I was also feeling a lot of emotional upheaval during the day. I was getting to the point where I was scared to go to bed. I was doing everything I could to make the feeling go away, but it wasn’t working!
As a follow-up to a recent post on the importance of focusing on the activities needed to return my body to homeostasis I would also like to bring attention to the importance of accepting my condition. Every moment I spend thinking about wanting to be better, I’m taking my mind out of the present moment and placing it in the future, and thus, putting myself in a state of wanting… a state of stress.
A positive frame of mind is critically important for managing the symptoms of, and recovering from, a neurological condition. I do three things every day that help me stay upbeat!
“Damn it!” I snapped.
“What’s the matter?” my concerned friend asked.
“I lost my balance and almost fell again!”
“Are you okay?”
My journey with this neurological condition brought me an insight this week which might just have taken me to the pinnacle of my odyssey … an understanding and actualization of self love!
In order for this to make sense, let me give you some background.
It seems that I have come into this life to immerse myself in fear. To know it intimately. And I suspect, at some point, to overcome it in order to enact my innate self-love and recover my health. My childhood years were characterized by a culture of fear. As I wrote in an earlier blog, I was scared all the time. What scared me most, was that people would find out just how scared I was, because I put on a brave front.
Although this is all behind me now and I understand the purpose of my experience, I would love to have had the conversation below with my father while I was growing up. This dialogue is meant to be a script to help me retrain my mind and remap my brain in order to let go of fear. I hope you find it helpful and I urge you to keep reading it everyday, as I will be. I expect that I will be updating it as I receive new ideas. I wish you fearlessness and good health!
My journey with a neurological condition has been a tremendous learning experience! It has taught me so much, not just about recovering my health, but also about myself, life and spirituality! I can safely say that I am a far better person and far more knowledgeable than I would be otherwise! Despite my daily challenges I feel immeasurably enriched and very optimistic about my future!
It appears that I’m being presented with the opportunity to dissolve fear in a big way, perhaps once and for all. A number of situations are going on in my life presently that are bringing me face to face with fear, not the least of which, is that I’m retiring from teaching martial arts and moving to Manitoulin Island at the end of April in order to focus on recovering my health. As a result, I’ve been experiencing incredibly intense symptoms, particularly loss of balance and trembling.
Recently, I realized that I’m beginning to dread certain tasks [more than just getting dressed for my morning walk which I wrote about in my last post]. Ironing, shaving, washing dishes, shampooing my hair, shopping and preparing dinner, all leave me feeling a certain level of trepidation. Even making my beloved sauerkraut and buckwheat pancake batter. The reason of course is that these tasks are not performed as easily as they once were. Loss of balance, slowness of movement and loss of dexterity in my left hand, have turned tasks that were once performed without thought into quite stressful endeavours.
In my last post, I wrote about the severe symptoms I experienced after attending my aunt’s celebration of life ceremony. For three days after the ceremony, my balance was way off and I experienced more intense freezing. In trying to understand what was going on, I realized that I had triggered unresolved grief and guilt, among other emotions. To put it in Eckhart Tolle’s terms, I had triggered the ‘pain body.’ It was very intense and I was quite concerned for my well being. I was also concerned about another celebration of life that I was planning to attend this past weekend for longtime family friend, a man I had called Uncle Paul all my life.