— Bruce Willis, Diehard
I’m riding a bucking bronco! Bobbing on a stormy sea! Being tossed about on the Salt & Pepper Shaker ride at the fair! For the last three months I have been on a heck of a ride on my journey to recovery! Triggered by medical marijuana, I have been processing and purging fear and other long buried emotional stuff that has left me feeling panicky, anxious, frustrated and experiencing very intense symptoms! It has been a challenge!
Simply put, I have been in a constant and protracted state of fight-flight-freeze that feels like it is reaching it’s apex! I have felt all along that my experience would continue to intensify until I learned everything I needed to learn. I don’t know if I’m there yet, but man, I gotta be close!
In February, I started doing medical marijuana to see if it would help ease any of my symptoms. It didn’t help with the symptoms, but it brought up lots of fear and emotional stuff. I began waking up in the middle of the night in a state of panic. Several times I had to get out of bed and go sit in the living room, talking myself through it until the panic subsided. I also started feeling more intense anxiety in situations where I wouldn’t normally feel this way. And every day I would experience intense parkinson’s-related symptoms, triggered by a thought that put me in a state of fear [fight-flight-freeze].
Although I was disappointed that the cannabis didn’t help my symptoms, I knew that the fear and emotional stuff it was bringing up was important! It didn’t feel very good. In fact, it felt incredibly scary, but I knew I had to let it run its course! It’s still running!
In the meantime, I have learned a great deal! To begin, I learned that an effective way to dissolve fear is being compassionate… especially towards myself. This means being totally accepting of the experience… allowing the fear to be… without judgment, without anger, without victimhood and without needing it to go away. This awareness came to me through an article [Well worth reading] posted by Paul Davis on the Facebook group, Spirituality and Our Higher Self. Fear is an emotional response to a detrimental thought and it is important for me to be compassionate towards the thoughts that are putting me in the fear-state. “Hey Fred, whatcha been thinking? Yes, I’ve had those thoughts myself! Come and sit down and we’ll talk about it!”
Secondly, I was reminded [by Mari] to approach fear from a place of love! I realized I could do this by being grateful, truly appreciative, for what I’ve learned through my experience with fear. Fear guided me to an understanding of spiritual consciousness, being the conscious observer and divine self love! It also guided me to an understanding of the root cause of this health condition I’m experiencing… which is chronic fear/stress!
Thirdly, I was reminded [by my chiropractor] that you can’t intellectualize with fear. You can’t rationalize with it. Fear is irrational. It is guttural. When in a state of fear [fight or flight] it is important to bring it back to the physical level by placing your attention on your breath and calming the body.
Fourthly, I reminded myself that one of the best ways to overcome fear is to approach life as one big adventure! Although my fearful outlook may be imbedded in my DNA and it may also be due to the culture I was raised in, I have a choice now to take a different approach. Fear vs. adventure… it really is an easy choice! A damn-the-torpedoes, Indiana Jones, adventurous attitude promotes the release of endorphins which fosters healing!
Another aspect of this experience that I’m trying to understand is this… when I developed the fears I’m now in the process of purging, I wasn’t spiritually conscious, didn’t feel good about myself and didn’t know divine self love. In essence, these fears were developed under false pretenses because if I had been spiritually conscious, if I had felt good about myself and if I had been in a state of divine self love, in all likelihood, I would not have held onto them. I may have experienced fear in the moment, but I would have let it go! This awareness could help me let go of the fear now! Time will tell!
To sum it all up, understanding the falsehood of these fears, treating my fearful self with compassion, approaching fear from a place of loving-gratitude, bringing it back to the physical level by focusing on my breath, and taking an adventurous attitude is a great formula for dissolving fear and advancing recovery!
As Bruce Willis said, “Yippeeyiyokiyea… ” well, you know the rest!