I occasionally find myself asking, given everything I’m doing and everything I’ve learned, why haven’t begun to recover my health. The answer is always the same. It’s because I haven’t learned everything I need to know, particularly as it relates to dissolving fear, living in spiritual consciousness and actualizing self love. A recent experience shed some light on this for me.
I love my father, but not long ago I was reminded that when we were growing up we were taught to see what was wrong with everything, rather than what was right or good, especially with respect to ourselves. My father, in particular, was very critical. No matter the subject or situation he would always find something wrong. Five A’s and a B on my report card, it was never, “That’s awesome, congratulations!” Instead I would get, “Why did you get a B? Didn’t you work hard enough?” Win a hockey game 10-0, score three goals, I was sure to be told that I could have scored two more had I done something differently. Yes indeed, it was easy for a sensitive young boy with a need to please personality to grow up feeling unappreciated and inadequate in this environment.
I don’t tell you this in an attempt to put the blame for my health condition on my father. From a spiritual perspective, I understand his role in my life. Rather, it is to help explain why I developed certain beliefs [such as, that I’m not lovable or good enough] which led to detrimental behaviors that in turn helped create this health condition, aka, parkinson’s.
What we experience and learn as children leads to certain thoughts that, according to Dr. Joe Dispenza, create neural pathways in our brain. Experienced often enough and thought often enough, we eventually develop detrimental beliefs that create chronic internal stress that puts us in a perpetual state of adrenaline producing, dopamine suppressing fight or flight, eventually leading to a neurological breakdown [Phew!]. I still find myself experiencing too much stress, moments of anger and occasional lapses into victimhood, an indication that this applies to me.
This recent visit with my father then was an important one in that it made me realize that I need to start focusing on what I like about myself [something I’m not accustomed to doing]. So I made a list of all the things that I like, well over 20 points, and I started to review and recite the list, thinking that I would use this process to first create a state of mind and then a state of being. My response to the process however, shocked me. Rather than make me feel good, it sent me into an intense state of fear, indicating that I am holding onto some very powerful deep seated opposing beliefs.
My potent negative reaction has created an interesting dilemma. Before I can enact a state of self love, it seems that I must first deal with this mindset of self hatred.
To be in a state of self hatred is to be in, as Eckhart Tolle would describe it, a state of ego [habitual negative thoughts]. I suspect my personal situation is the result of how I felt about myself as a child when I was unable to please my father. Tolle suggests that the best way to diffuse ego is to be in a state of conscious awareness, [what I call, spiritual consciousness], which in essence, means to be living in oneness with God [Spirit]. What this means for me, is that I need to take a step back and refocus on actualizing spiritual consciousness, something I’ve written about in recent blogs. In so doing, I will make myself more receptive to acknowledging the things I like about myself. Actually, to be in a state of spiritual consciousness is to put yourself in a state of self love by default.
Whoever said life wasn’t interesting?
Have an awesomely likable day!