As I mentioned in a couple of recent blogs, I have been experiencing an increasingly intense onslaught of debilitating symptoms, mostly triggered by fear and unresolved emotional pain from childhood, and mostly related to my father’s recent health crisis. I might be feeling relatively okay one minute [I say relatively, because the symptoms I experience are always present] and in the next, I am barely able to function. My symptoms go through the roof. If it weren’t for the fact that it is happening to me, I might be fascinated, rather than overwhelmed, by how it affects me. But it is happening to me and it’s becoming increasing worrisome!
With everything I have learned and everything I’ve been doing to return my body to homeostasis [eating healthy foods, detoxing, taking supplements, exercising, practicing Qigong, going for bodywork treatments, focusing on happiness and love and living in the present moment, and dissolving fear and unresolved emotional pain] I thought I might be recovering by this point. I was actually starting to feel better until my father’s unexpected dilemma. It clearly triggered some stuff I needed to resolve. Funny how life works!
So, a few days ago, I asked for some guidance on what I need to do to overcome this predicament and what came to me was, ‘let go of victimhood.’
Of course! I must be holding on to emotional pain because I feel like a victim!
According to Wikipedia, “victim mentality is an acquired (learned) personality trait in which a person tends to regard him or herself as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to think, speak and act as if that were the case — even in the absence of clear evidence. Victim mentality is primarily learned, for example, from family members and situations during childhood.”
I can certainly relate to this, having grown up in a family where we were told by well-meaning parents that children were to be seen and not heard. Where we were simply not allowed to express our opinion if it differed from our father’s. Where explanations for wrong doings were rarely solicited or accepted and where emotional expression was not tolerated. In fact, it was likely to be met with punishment.
But I think there is more to it. Victim thinking is a creation of ego [ego, according to Eckhart Tolle, is simply conditioned negative thinking] and feeling like a victim feeds the ego. Feeling like a victim allows the ego [me] to feel sorry for myself [perhaps unconsciously], and if I’m feeling sorry for myself, then others will feel sorry for me and they will pity me. And this feels like love!
So there is a payoff. The feeling of love! Thus, victim thinking can become very addictive, especially for a boy feeling devoid of love. And as you know, addictions can be difficult to overcome. There’s a strong desire to hold onto the addiction because it feels good. It feels familiar!
In order to retrain myself and overcome the addiction, I have begun repeating the following mantra: I am the powerful architect of all my experiences. I am fully responsible for everything that has happened in my life and I take pride in this responsibility. Everything that has happened is part of my journey, predetermined by my soul, meant for my spiritual growth. It is essential. It is preordained and I am okay!
I think for anyone who develops a serious illness, there must be some level of victim thinking involved. There must be some part of us that believes either we don’t deserve to be well, or perhaps that being sick will help us receive the pity we believe we deserve. In any event, we need to be extremely vigilant for victim thinking because it will derail our efforts to heal ourselves.
Have an awesomely powerful day!