I have recently experienced, firsthand [not that I needed a reminder I thought] the affects of stress and fear on the symptoms I experience. A few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and subsequently, it appears he has developed sudden onset dementia. He hasn’t been officially diagnosed, but the evidence seems clear [erratic behavior, confusion and cognitive deterioration]. This is not uncommon. It also happened to Mari’s mother. Dad was hospitalized almost a week ago and his condition has worsened with each passing day.
The effect on me has been quite significant. I’ve experienced extremely intense symptoms, particularly as it relates to trembling, balance and mobility. This in turn has triggered fear and anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks, similar to the ones I had a year ago. It has been very unnerving for me, because I thought I was passed this and in fact, up until recently, I had been feeling much better. Thank goodness for everything I’ve learned in the last year. I’ve had to do a lot of self talk, positive affirmations, praying and Qigong, as well as increasing my adrenal supplement. Even with all this, it has been extremely challenging.
Then on Saturday, in the midst of a particularly difficult moment, I had an insight, ‘I need to experience the full intensity and debilitatingness of fear in order to equally understand love.’ I didn’t quite understand the meaning of this insight until yesterday morning when I watched Joel Osteen. Osteen, the American pastor, spoke about how God gives us difficult challenges in order to guide us to our purpose.
But what is my purpose?
A trip to the labyrinth this morning would answer my question!
While walking the labyrinth I received another insight: my life lesson to this point has been to experience fear [this is the ‘gift’ for which my parents have sacrificed themselves] in order for me to understand and teach love. The opposite of love is fear, so the notion of experiencing fear in order to learn love makes sense to me. What is more, for one soul to learn a lesson, other souls must play a role and invariably, make a sacrifice … much like Judas’ sacrifice, when he betrayed Jesus, in order for Jesus to become both universally revered and the foundation for a religion … so, on a soul level, I believe, my parents chose to make a sacrifice [a life of happiness] in order to live a life of fear, so that I too could experience fear and eventually, love! I believe in my heart that this is the way it works!
Our life has a purpose and so too, do our experiences. We just have to figure out what it is! Adversity helps us in our quest!
Have an awesomely purposeful day!