My experience with Parkinson’s changed in a flash recently. It happened a couple of weeks ago when I had a moment of panic and kind of went downhill from there. Although I’m not quite out of the woods yet, I’m doing much better thanks to some supplements and years of spiritual practice.
Thursday March 27, 2014:
I was in the middle of my daily stretching routine, struggling to transition from one stretch to another, when the thought struck me, ‘what if I become completely immobile?’ I had had this thought before without any consequence, but this time it set off a wave of panic like I’ve never experienced. It wasn’t like the type of panic that leaves you with your heart racing. Instead, it was more like the kind that makes you feel like you’re losing your mind. It was so intense that I had to abandon my stretches and go look out the window. I focused on my breath while observing the birds and the trees and after a few minutes, the feeling of panic went away.
Wednesday April 2:
I woke up before dawn to go to the bathroom and when I walked in the bathroom, I could smell it for the first time in years. This left me feeling very encouraged that I was on the road to recovery. (This feeling would be short-lived.) I went to bed that night feeling fine, but after lying in bed for a few minutes, I suddenly experienced another wave of panic. I don’t recall the thoughts that preceded it (I may have been thinking about the constriction in my throat), but I had to get out of bed, turn on the lights and go look out the window again. I focused on my breath and after a few moments the feeling subsided. After that, I thankfully fell asleep fairly quickly.
Thursday April 3:
I felt unsettled (anxious) all day, but had no major anxiety or feelings of panic. I drove to Mari’s that night after teaching karate and managed fall asleep fairly easily, despite my trepidation.
Friday April 4: I woke up in the morning still feeling unsettled and by early afternoon it had intensified into a full blown feeling of panic, mostly because I couldn’t stop thinking about the constriction in my throat, which got tighter the more panicky I felt. In an attempt to quell the panic, I tried focusing on my breath, repeating my healing prayer (see below) and using every technique I knew, but it only gave me temporary relief. Finally, I decided to go on Facebook and leave a message asking for help on both The Fans of Dr Morse and Dr. Morse Detox Spa pages.
A couple of people responded saying that weak adrenal glands and kidneys were the source of the anxiety I was experiencing. They told me I needed to take supplements. One person suggested I take Rescue Remedy [a Bach Flower Essence I had forgotten about but just happened to have with me], so I started taking it. Another person suggested I try EFT [which I also had forgotten about, but just happened to know the technique] and I started doing it as well.
Then Karen, a Facebook friend, thankfully gave me the emergency phone number to Dr. Morse’s clinic, so I called the clinic and spoke to Dr. Morse. He told me that weak adrenal glands and kidneys were indeed the source of my problem and that I indeed needed to take supplements to strengthen them as soon as possible. Dr. Morse also suggested that I start with their deep tissue cleansing kit, which under the circumstances, made a whole lot of sense to me. So I ordered it!
Mari had been out for the day while all of this was going on and by the time she got home I was feeling a little better. She gave me some Valerian Root [a natural herbal sedative] and Surbex [a stress relief vitamin formula]. After taking these I felt quite a bit better.
We ate dinner and afterwards I decided to take a shower. Before I even started the shower I began to feel panic again. Throughout the shower I was shaking like a leaf and at one point, decided that I needed to go to the hospital [although the idea terrified me because I thought they would only offer me medication or they would want to put me in the psych ward]. While toweling down afterwards I started repeating my dark energy prayer [see below]. I don’t quite know what made me do it, but I immediately felt better. Before going to bed I took more Valerian Root, Surbex and Rescue Remedy.
Saturday April 5:
I woke up feeling much better. I took more Valerian Root and Surbex and we went to a health food store where I picked up a bunch of natural supplements including an adrenal support [AOR Ortho-Adapt Vegan] and a kidney support [Omega Alpha Kidney Plus]. When we got back home I took all of the prescribed supplements and later we went to a family birthday party. I fought anxiety through the entire party, but it did not turn into a full blown panic.
Sunday April 6:
I was still feeling some anxiety, so we went to another health food store where I picked up Natural Factors Stress Relief Serenity Formula. It is intended to quell anxiety and strengthen the adrenal glands. About 15 minutes taking the Serenity Formula I felt better than I had felt in days. I couldn’t believe how quickly and effectively it worked and I don’t mind telling you that I was enormously relieved.
Later that day, Mari showed me Eckhart Tolle’s quote of the day. It said, “Whenever you become anxious or stressed, outer purpose has taken over, and you lost sight of your inner purpose. You have forgotten that your state of consciousness is primary, all else secondary.” How ironic, I thought!
Then I went for a walk and while I was walking I was thinking about Tolle’s quote when it suddenly occurred to me that the reason I was experiencing anxiety and panic was because I had not yet surrendered to this experience [the experience of having Parkinson’s and whatever symptoms it entails]. Rather than accepting the present circumstances, I was succumbing to fear; the fear of becoming immobile, the fear of not being able to swallow and the fear of losing my independence, to name a few. In other words, I was in a state of spiritual unconsciousness. And then it occurred to me that whether I recover from this condition or not, matters a hoot, because the only thing that really matters is that I let go of fear and become conscious; that I dissolve ego, stop identifying with form, dissolve the pain body and live in enlightenment. This insight left me feeling much better … even after watching Captain Phillips, an incredibly intense movie that had a lot to do with dealing with fear [perhaps not the best movie to watch under the circumstances]!
Tuesday, April 8:
I woke up feeling better than I had felt in a week, attributing it to the adrenal support and kidney support. I didn’t feel the need to take the Serenity Formula and I got through the day just fine.
Wednesday, April 9:
I had a Body Stress Relief appointment in which I asked the therapist to focus on my throat. My throat felt much better afterwards … not nearly as constricted as it had felt [I had certainly experienced some constriction the previous two days].
Thursday, April 10:
I volunteered at “A Day of Change” event at the elementary school where my daughter teaches. A Day of Change is a program intended to bring awareness to what causes bullying, to help kids who have been bullied and to help all kids develop a healthy self image. It was an incredibly intense and emotional day! In one of the activities, we were asked to create a name badge for ourselves and on that badge we were instructed to write the one thing we didn’t want people to know about us. So I wrote, ” scared, and hiding it.” This hit me like a sledgehammer, because I realized that I have been hiding fear all my life. I grew up afraid to stand up to my father, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being beat up, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid to speak up for the fear of a confrontation or upsetting someone, etc. But what I was afraid of most, was that people would find out how scared I was, that I would be considered a chicken and that I would be shamed, and so I put on a brave face. I hid it! I had been feeling considerable anxiety throughout the session but after this insight the anxiety went away.
As of today [Sunday April 13], I am feeling okay. I am still having moments of anxiety [particularly when I start thinking about my throat or diminished mobility], but then I remind myself of the importance of surrendering to the experience and becoming truly conscious. I was hesitant to share this experience, because I’ve always considered this blog to be, not just a source of information, but a source of hope and inspiration as well. But it’s also my experience and I think it’s important to share the entire experience, good and bad, because there’s always something to be learned, and sharing it might help someone else in the same situation, so that makes it is worth sharing.
Clearly there is more to come. I’m not quite finished with this particular part of my journey. I’ve yet to fully strengthen my adrenal glands and kidneys and I have yet to quell the negative thoughts that keep popping up out of nowhere. When my kit arrives from Dr. Morse’s office I’ll get started addressing my adrenals and kidneys which I anticipate will silence the feelings of anxiety and slow the progression of my condition. In the meantime, I will focus heavily on staying in the moment, thinking positively, taking my supplements and reminding myself to surrender.
Have an awesomely peaceful day!
“Thank you God I am for neutralizing the energetic frequency, healing and releasing all unresolved emotional energy, all fear, all faulty beliefs and all aspects of me and all aspects of any other soul, in or out of my bloodline, that needs to be healed and released in order for me to overcome the emotional pain that is at the root of the anxiety I am experiencing. I thank you God I Am for this healing and I thank you for increasing the effectiveness of this healing by 100 times or more.”
Dark energy protection prayer:
“Thank you God I Am for immersing me in love and light. Thank you for the light that shines on me filling me up with divine goodness and compassion, forgiveness and gratitude, understanding and abundance. Thank you for hovering over me and protecting me. Thank you for hovering over my home and protecting my home. Thank you for bringing me peaceful, joyful thoughts. Thank you for helping me to surrender to this experience and live consciously. Thank you for the light that shines on me filling me up with happiness, kindness, courage, confidence and self love. Thank you! Namaste!”